Monday, March 08, 2010

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. My head hurt, I felt like throwing up, but most of all, I was so depressed I could not move. Did not want to move. I had slept for over 10 hours but I could only continue sleeping some more. This body simply could not muster the energy to move.


And in my sleep, I could dream about you, I could see your face. Only most times, the dreams aren't happy. But I had half the belief that when I awake, I would realise that this had all been a horrible dream, that you really hadn't stopped loving me. But life, being the b*tch that it is, made sure that I only woke up to the cruel reality that we are so far from where we were just 6 months ago. And I can't help but ask myself, what have I done to deserve this fate? What have I done so wrong in a past life, or in my present life, to deserve getting my heart stomped on repeatedly? And why, when I've found someone who's made me truly understand what it is to love someone so completely, it is all taken away almost immediately?

You called me at 1am to tell me that I should not be doing you all these favours, much as you appreciated them, and that I need to accept that it's over.

I lay in the dark listening to you, listening to you tell me it's over and that I've been nothing but immature about this. And I had nothing to say. What was there to say? Everything had been said, nothing could change your mind.

This morning, I recalled what the tarot card lady in Melbourne had told me in November, and it hit me then that a lot of what she had said have proved to be accurate....only the bits about you, about us, have not come to fruition. A part of me almost laughed at the irony of it, a part of me wanted to cry over it, a part of me felt hopeful (though I don't suppose I should encourage this feeling of hope anymore). Isn't it ludicrous, that even after you've told me repeatedly that this is beyond over, that I continue to hope that you'd come back? What is wrong with me?!

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Could have, would have, should have

I bloody f*cking hate my life.
I hate that I'm sitting here missing you when it could have been our 6th month anniversary.

I hate that I can't hold you, I hate that I can't have you near.
I hate that none of my prayers for another chance with you have been heard.
I hate that we seem to be distant strangers, I seem to have lost my best friend.
I hate that you are cold towards me, because you think it'd make me get over you more easily.
I hate that I even have to get over you.
I hate that I can't care for you the way I want to.
I hate that I can't be there every morning when you wake, every night when you sleep.
Heck, I even hate that I can't do your laundry!
I hate that I am in such pain that all I want to do is hide under the sheets and hope that I'd eventually wake up from this nightmare. But I only ever wake up to reality.

I bloody f*cking hate my f*cking life.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Thoughts

You tell me that I'm a "really great person" and it's not that you do not feel the same way for me as I do for you but you think you're being fair to me by letting me go, since you feel you won't marry me because I'm not "the one".

Honestly, I don't think "the one" exists.

To me, the term "the one" suggests someone who fits my mould of a perfect partner, who ticks off every criteria on my list. Well, yes, I know there's no such thing as a perfect person, but I've always hoped for someone who would come close. But I now know I'll never find that.
I think - and I might be wrong cos hey, how much do I know about love? I'm always screwing it up - I've found "the one" (for lack of a better word) when:
a) I love him despite all his imperfections, all the skeletons in his closet;
b) I want to do things for him just because I want to see him happy. It hurts me when he's hurting. Even when he's hurt his knee for example......it hurts me;
c) I put him first;
d) Even on days where I almost hate him, I will stay and work things out because I love him more;
e) I want to care for him, see him through life (I want to be a witness to his life);
f) I don't get bored of seeing him everyday. In fact, I want to and am excited to see him everyday;
g) My heart does flips every time I see him or when he calls. I know it will probably not do flips forever though......haha;
h) I feel like I could grow with him as a person. I feel like I could with you, in that you force me to grow up, and want to be a "better" person, not just for myself, but for you as well. You might not ask me to make these changes, but I want to do them for you, for us.
And I guess a part of finding the "right" person is hard to explain because it's intangible......it's a feeling. When you just feel like you want to be with him forever, when you never want to imagine not waking up to him every morning and falling asleep in his embrace every night.

I recall an occasion when I hesitated to tell you what I was thinking...that I never wanted you to let me go, that I wanted to be with you forever. But I never said it. I don't know if it was my stupid pride, but I never let myself tell you that. Maybe I should have.

I reflected on things you said to me before we got together - you told me how you felt about me, and ironically, I feel that way about you now, but I don't think you do anymore.......or do you?

If i knew that at the end of all this, you'd come back, then all this pain would have been worth it. But I don't know that, and I'm afraid. It's not that I cannot live without you, but the point is I don't ever want to.

I miss your hugs, the smell of your skin, the softness of your lips, the way you taste, the sound of your voice, the ring of your laughter, the beat of your heart against mine, the quiet moments alone with you. I miss your stupid jokes, I miss our routines. I miss my best friend. I miss you so much it hurts.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

When silence is deafening

This has got to be the most miserable Chinese New Year and Valentine's ever.


It's so tiring pretending to be happy when really, there is only pain in my heart. I listened to the neighbours playing with firecrackers last night, and as everyone around me celebrated, I closed my eyes to sleep the pain away.

Why did you persist for so long, only to give up after 5 months? Do I mean so little to you? Do you not care? Are you even thinking about me at all? Do the 11 years of friendship not count for anything either?

Friday, July 04, 2008

I can't stop staring

I just saw this on The Sartorialist, and had to share.
I love love love how she's matched a soft flowy feminine dress with gladiator sandals. Gorgeous, no?


You have to be quite thin to pull the dress off, I'd say.
(then again, I think most clothes look better on thin girls...but that's just me)

I want a pair of glads. Anyone? Please? Pretty please?

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Home

If home is where the heart is, then this must not be home?

Monday, June 23, 2008

5 days

Five days, and counting, to 4 days of bliss.

I'm crazy excited. Like, pee your (my) pants excited (not literally!).

How do I make time stand still this weekend, so that I may never have to leave you?