Thoughts

You tell me that I'm a "really great person" and it's not that you do not feel the same way for me as I do for you but you think you're being fair to me by letting me go, since you feel you won't marry me because I'm not "the one".

Honestly, I don't think "the one" exists.

To me, the term "the one" suggests someone who fits my mould of a perfect partner, who ticks off every criteria on my list. Well, yes, I know there's no such thing as a perfect person, but I've always hoped for someone who would come close. But I now know I'll never find that.

I think - and I might be wrong cos hey, how much do I know about love? I'm always screwing it up - I've found "the one" (for lack of a better word) when:

a) I love him despite all his imperfections, all the skeletons in his closet;

b) I want to do things for him just because I want to see him happy. It hurts me when he's hurting. Even when he's hurt his knee for example......it hurts me;

c) I put him first;

d) Even on days where I almost hate him, I will stay and work things out because I love him more;

e) I want to care for him, see him through life (I want to be a witness to his life);

f) I don't get bored of seeing him everyday. In fact, I want to and am excited to see him everyday;

g) My heart does flips every time I see him or when he calls. I know it will probably not do flips forever though......haha;

h) I feel like I could grow with him as a person. I feel like I could with you, in that you force me to grow up, and want to be a "better" person, not just for myself, but for you as well. You might not ask me to make these changes, but I want to do them for you, for us.

And I guess a part of finding the "right" person is hard to explain because it's intangible......it's a feeling. When you just feel like you want to be with him forever, when you never want to imagine not waking up to him every morning and falling asleep in his embrace every night.

I recall an occasion when I hesitated to tell you what I was thinking...that I never wanted you to let me go, that I wanted to be with you forever. But I never said it. I don't know if it was my stupid pride, but I never let myself tell you that. Maybe I should have.

I reflected on things you said to me before we got together - you told me how you felt about me, and ironically, I feel that way about you now, but I don't think you do anymore.......or do you?

If i knew that at the end of all this, you'd come back, then all this pain would have been worth it. But I don't know that, and I'm afraid. It's not that I cannot live without you, but the point is I don't ever want to.

I miss your hugs, the smell of your skin, the softness of your lips, the way you taste, the sound of your voice, the ring of your laughter, the beat of your heart against mine, the quiet moments alone with you. I miss your stupid jokes, I miss our routines. I miss my best friend. I miss you so much it hurts.